Alcoholics Victorious

Tonight I led my first meeting of Alcoholics Victorious.

AV is a Christ-centered addiction support group that I go to every Monday night. It's a lot like AA, I suppose, but instead of being just another "anonymous" struggler you actually learn that you are worthy of love and deserving of redemption and wholeness. I don't support the notion that "once addicted, always addicted", I don't stand up and say "My name is Colin and I'm an alcoholic" because that goes against II Corinthians 5:17 that states "Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new." I say "My name is Colin and I'm Victorious over Alcohol!". Ok, honestly I don't say either because there's usually only four of us and we all know each other fairly well. Plus it's just cheesy.

I love this meeting because I've really gotten to know the other people that go and when they hurt, I hurt, and we can pray for each other, we can lift each other up. There's really nothing like the feeling you get when someone remembers something you said and you realize that someone actually listened to you and cared enough to remember it. We all go through tough times and it's nice to know someone else knows what you're going through because so often with addiction, you feel like no one could possibly understand. In fact whenever I come across something, whether it's something I read or something I heard, and it describes something I'm feeling, or have felt, I feel better, I feel less alone.

My goal is to start a meeting at my home church for those inflicted by addiction. Rules are though, that you have to have one continuous year of sobriety before they'll let you. I think that's smart, so I've got 3 and a half months left till I can do that. My leader knows my intentions and asked if I'd like to lead tonight's meeting. I did, it was amazing to say the least and the feeling I had when I left was almost indescribable. I mentioned tonight that had you told me a year ago that tonight I would be sitting in a room leading a group on addiction recovery I would have laughed in your face! I think God LOVES to do things like that! And I'm glad to love a God that does!

It is SO important that you have a support group when you take the frightening leap into the unknown world of sobriety. It really is. I'll tell you why and it's probably not the reason you thought it was... You have to care about other people. You have to get to know other people who have gone through or are going through the same things you did and be there for them, even if you only have 2 days of sobriety. Take two hours out of your struggle-filled week and focus on someone else, immerse yourself in someone else's life. Minister to them and you'll notice that going out and getting blazed is the very LAST thing on your mind! I'm not lying. Try it and see.

So this was my attempt at blogging under a ten page minimum and I don't think I quite did it but I'm working on it!

Scratchism

The Bible has a lot of rules in it. "Thou shalt" this and that, thou shalt NOT do even more. One could view the Bible as if it were an Owner's Manual, follow these rules and you'll never break down, keep these fluids at the right levels, check these items often and everything will be fine. For some that is just fine, that is safe. God said "don't" and you know, that's good enough for me; when the Creator of All Things says "don't", I listen. Uncle. Problem is, for most of us that isn't enough.

I was raised with this mentality, I was raised in the Assembly of God Church, whatever that meant. To me it meant "we didn't". I remember as a child saying the phrase "it's against my religion" a lot. At that point I prayed whomever the recipient was of this phrase would let it go and not ask the next question, which invariably led to another sentence I hated: "Well so am I and I do." Because, I never really knew what to say after that.

A lot of guilt took place inside me, a lot of anxiety. Fear was a motivator and good for that I was told, That's the Fear of the Lord. Amen to that, Amen to the Straight and Narrow.

Well Fear is a terrific motivator! Until of course, the consequences you feared so anxiously decide to not manifest themselves at all. How could I go to a movie and not be struck immediately by lightning? How is that possible!? What else can I do, what other boundaries can I push? What other non-truths have I been told?

At 23 it was time to find out. And find out I did. The world was wide open and it was time to push the boundaries, it was time to see just which rules could be broken and if the consequences occurred; were they really all that bad?

So obviously the logical next step was to move to LA. If you want to know how authentic Italian food is made you go to Italy. If you have a passion for ice fishing, you go to Alaska. If you want to know about sin, you go to the source, you know? I moved there with the a U-Haul full of success, promise, and what would come to be the most mocking of words: potential. What I left with three years later was a severe drinking problem, physical scars, emotional trauma, inevitable bankruptcy and a criminal record. I could go on, but you get the idea.

But I wasn't dumb. I realize at this early stage of the story one already has plenty of facts that do not support my claim to intelligence, but I was. I was intelligent and charming and when I wasn't drinking, you probably never would have guessed that I ever had. My intelligence led me to believe that I could research myself out of any predicament, I could read a book out of any problem. Here's why:

I hadn't skied since I was very young, I wasn't good at it and I don't do things I'm not good at, as a personal rule. Living next to world-class mountains could not budge the fact that I had had a sore time of it at age 9. I'll go with you, thank you, but I'll be next to the fire in the Lodge. With a book. Well, when you find yourself at the top of a mountain, surrounded by black diamonds you really must reexamine those life rules and at times, come up with new ones. The one I came up with after finding myself staring down a white cliff was that I could do this, I could place this leg in the same position as that persons leg, push in the direction that person pushed, command the posture of a skier and fool the mountain into letting me down. I did, and I excelled at it, much to the bewilderment of the jokers that fooled me into going to the top and most of all to myself.

I had just proven to myself that I could do anything I set my mind to, I felt empowered! I found my Secret Weapon, my Lasso of Truth and my Spidey Sense! It was my brain, it was my Intelligence. Huzzah!

When you're Clark Kent walking around smugly you have this attitude that whatever happens you always have this secret weapon to fall back on. You know that there is nothing that can come up that you can't handle, because obviously, you're Superman. Well that also makes you very lazy because you know that when you unleash the Weapon, all things will change and they will change for the better, and they will change fast. So you keep the Weapon to yourself and guard it away and you tell yourself that it is not time, the world is not ready, Gotham, or wherever, couldn't handle the massiveness of the Weapon. Basically, you lie to yourself. You lie to yourself to the point that you believe your own lies and you live on false hope. Then the day comes when you pull out the Weapon and what you've got at the end of your arm isn't all that massive and when you pull the trigger nothing happens and your world falls apart.

When you live with false hope and that hope gets dashed you live in a precarious state, and when life becomes fragile and ridden with anxiety you do what it takes to sleep walk through it. I drank. I blacked-out after a few drinks, everywhere. Parties, bars, on the street but most often at home by myself. Who I thought I was, who I wanted to think I was and who I actually was, were three completely different people. You may need to read that last sentence a couple more times because it's kind of important.

What I knew, and what I wanted to think I knew were two different things. What I knew was that there was a God. I KNEW this, I had felt His presence many times and those times were GOOD, they were VERY good. But what I wanted to think was that I could do Life on my own. I wanted to be in charge of myself and I sure as hell didn't want to pasture my life in one place (the suburbs) like those Christians I'd grown up with. I knew that I knew this and it sucked because everyday I got up and determined myself to contradict it. I was a person who needed this person, Jesus, in my life and yet I resisted Him every chance I got. Nothing is more weak than needing, especially when you need another person. Even the word is whiny, need, need. I don't even like typing it.

Let me tell you, when you are one thing and you want to be another; when you resist who you are fundamentally, you are going to be miserable.

There's a scene in the movie "The Rules of Attraction" where one of the characters describes the "Ching!" moment. She says she's always searching for that moment that the lightbulb just pops on, the sun shines out of the sky and "ching!" you figure it out; "it" being whatever you're needing to figure out. I searched endlessly for that Ching! moment in my research of alcoholism. Remember, my Weapon was my intelligence and I determined that I would research the Ching! out of my disease. The closest thing I could find comes from my wine-stained copy of the book The Alcoholism and Addiction Cure by Chris Prentiss. Now this is a boastful title, which is what drew me to it. Someone figured it out and by god, they were going to share it:

"Alcohol is just a quick and easy way to change ordinary, everyday reality from unbearable to bearable. All it takes is a short trip to the liquor store and a few drinks. People who are dependent are merely using alcohol as a crutch to get through the day. Yet doctors and scientists are still treating "alcoholism" as if it were a problem, when it has nothing at all to do with the problem. They might as well be studying "scratchism" for people who have a chronic itch.
Suppose you had a chronic itch and scratched it regularly throughout the day. Would you have "scratchism"? Would you be a "scratchaholic"? Of course not. What if you had a constant headache, and to cope with it you took aspirin several times each day. Would you suffer from "aspirinism", and would you be called a "aspirinaholic"? More important, if you sought help for treatment of those ailments, would you be treated for "scratchism" or "aspirinism"? Of course not; you would be treated for the underlying conditions that led you to scratch or use aspirin - perhaps poison ivy or stress."

CHING! Great... ching... now comes the hard part...

Safe Place by Shannon Varis

This weekend I went to a seminar about addiction. I had so many interesting thoughts while listening to the lecturer and will attempt in the near future to record a few of my favorites.

He talked a lot about brain development and how it relates to addiction. One sub-point was that in the first year of life the brain decides if the world is safe or dangerous. A child learns to relate to others as secure, anxious or avoidant.

A child that has warmth, love and security in the first year of life will approach people securely. A child who has emotionally inconsistent experiences as a baby will be anxious in relationships---always unsure if people are safe or dangerous or feeling they have to "do something" for love and attention. A child who experiences abuse in the first year of life will develop an "avoidant" response to human interaction. This is where we see attachment disorders. Addiction can actually start in early brain development.

Immediately I thought about which I could relate to? It was a no-brainer to identify with security--my parents, hands down, have always been AMAZING at providing a very stable emotional environment for us.

But then I began to think about my church experiences and how in that 'family' I related way more to the "anxious" child. How could I have a human experience of love and security but then at times in my relationship with God feel more like the "anxious" child? Where does this feeling of insecurity come from? I've definitely had God show me his amazing love at my very worst human moments, so why would there be a striving for that love? And why would I think like that if my parents who obviously don't love me as much as God showed me an awesome example of security?

I've thought about why.

As the speaker was talking about his vast experience with addicts and his own recovery, something he said struck me. Those in recovery are diverse with different addictions (food addiction, sex addiction, drug & alcohol addiction, relationship addiction etc) but all share this in common--whatever damage happened in life, happened through experience. Likewise, healing will also happen through experience.

People have to be safe and supported in order to heal---needing a "safe atmosphere" to make hard choices, take risks and rewrite areas that have been damaged.

When describing this safe place that people need he added that this "place" is not a program but a people. WE are suppose to be the safe atmosphere that people need to heal. SO, SO, SO true!

In my own life when I have experienced sincere life change it was in this sort of place, in the company of a person who could let me tell them about the things I was the most ashamed about and afterward.....still love and value me. That's when God healed me and began to reverse the damage that was done through bad choices and unfruitful thinking. We need other people in order to heal!

Why do we AVOID this? Usually it's because people have been the bad experiences, because we fear rejection or gossip, we are afraid to trust again.

I guess if there is something that I feel so passionately about it is being a safe place for people. I pray that we will take seriously being a safe place for people. Wouldn't it be great if we were part of the good experience that reversed the damage done by a bad one? That would be rad, even something worth living for.

--Shannon Varis

The Pathology of Addiction, The Wounded Heart

Shannon and I went to the most incredible Workshop/Seminar last weekend hosted by Imago Dei Community. It is called Genesis Process and has an incredible recovery rate (around 85%!!). I was fascinated and blown away by the amount of information we received. I will be attending a 4-5 day workshop that delves deeper into this information this summer. Until then I will continue to post pieces of information I learn on this subject here at Emptiness Filled. Below is an overview. I highly recommend you visit www.genesisprocess.org for more information (see link at bottom of page).

The Pathology of Addiction, The Wounded Heart
by Michael Dye

1) Childhood trauma that causes diminished ability to trust, bond, or attach (attachment disorder) shifts the brain from a normal, explorative, creative state, into a survival mode. These are the deepest heart wounds. This part of the brain (the limbic system) grows mostly in the first 18 months of life. Some researchers believe that the amount of serotonin our brain produces for the rest of our lives is determined during this period. I.e., If the world is unsafe the child needs to stay focused, or hyper vigilant (raising dopamine), through anxiety and depressing serotonin which would “let their guard down.”

2) Feeling alone, unsafe, and unfocused can cause a false or protective personality to be formed. If we can’t trust and receive gratification from others, we learn to self gratify. Addiction is self-gratification.

3) Anything that makes us feel safe and reduces stress (fear) raises neurochemical levels in the limbic system, causing the brain to associate it with survival, feeling normal. This is called the Reward Cascade. This part of the brain creates a craving to repeat the behavior because it’s associated with survival. The behavior can become difficult or impossible to say no to. The more it is reinforced, the more ingrained it becomes, resulting in a loss of control, thus an addiction. This is, “Why we do the very thing we don’t want to do.” Romans 7. The limbic system can equate painful or fearful emotions with death (the ability to cope and survive) and create a focused attention (craving) for what we did in the past to survive. The limbic system has a memory system that records experiences that have to do with pleasure and reward and fear and pain. It is these reactive emotions that drive much of our behavior. This addictive/reactive memory system is programmed through experiences and needs to be reprogrammed through new and opposite experiences. It doesn’t respond very well to words. This is why effective recovery treatment needs to be experiential. The damage happened through relationships and the healing must also be through relationships, both with God and people. The bottom line is:

Recovery is learning to trust again.

Safe Therapy

One way this translates to treatment is that our “survival brain” will resist making changes associated with real or imagined fears, unless there is a measure of safety. Facing fears (conscious or unconscious) alone is not safe. This is why so many clients get stuck in treatment It is very difficult to take risks, which is usually involved with change when we’re alone. Being isolated from God and people is characteristic of most clients with compulsive addictive behaviors. Clients must feel safe, supported and encouraged to be able to face the issues and fears that are driving their destructive coping behaviors. Trying to control self-destructive behavior without dealing with the underlying issues (pain / fear) can be an exercise in futility and relapse. They usually just find a new way to cope, trading one addiction for another.

The Bottom Line

If you want to change destructive behaviors and emotions you must change the “heart.”

The limbic system (the heart) is negatively programmed through painful experiences with people we trusted, especially in our formative years. Not trusting and bonding with others leads to fear, anxiety, loneliness, isolation, and self-gratification. Since it is programmed through experiences it must be healed through opposite experiences.

© Michael Dye 2008

Christmas, now.

One year ago at this moment I was laying on top of a dirty mattress laid out on the floor of a filthy room in what could best be described as a "crack-house". I was curled up with a bottle of whiskey which replaced the bottle of vodka I'd already consumed the night before, still empty and cast aside next to me. Maybe. It's hard to even remember. I had been drinking heavily for a few days now. During the Holidays the festive mood allows for absence of character and logic. Handing a severe alcoholic a bottle of whiskey, picking him up to go out to the bars doesn't seem to be that big of a problem, tis the season to worry about things later. I was only waking up from my drunken stupor to shake off the fogginess, blink my eyes, take a deep breath and get ready for more. More drinking, more embarrassment I'll never experience; my drinking was a matter of one or two drinks before black-out. My body was taking desperate measures at this point to combat the extreme amount of toxins I was funneling down my throat.

I was alone. I was alone on the mattress with the sun shining through the disheveled metal mini-blinds on Christmas Morning. I was somewhere, somewhere dark and smoky the night before on Christmas Eve, the night my immediate family celebrates together with an expensive prime rib dinner and gift exchange; usually the best night of the year, unless of course, you're me and then it is the most uncomfortable night, the night you dread all year long. I hadn't planned this, I didn't even want this. But here I was and there was nothing else I can do about it. Choke down another. Hope it doesn't come back up, just about the only hope I experience anymore.

For every binge there's the moment you realize it's time. Time to get up and face the repercussions of your actions. I got up and stumbled home that evening Christmas night. Stumbled back into bed, past the Christmas tree. Past the area where a day earlier was filled with presents where now sit just the ones ready for me to open, staring at me mockingly. The tangible proof of my selfishness, my lack of humanity, the harsh reality that I have nothing to give to people who do nothing but give to me.

The withdrawal this time was brutal. Knowing I had ruined Christmas for my Mom, Dad and brother, not to mention my cousins, close friends both here and visiting, made my symptoms even worse. I had never, in 30 years missed a Christmas. I was hollow inside. I knew the worst part was still to come and I was dreading it more than anything. Every time my Mom asked if it was time I moaned no, it wasn't, I couldn't possibly, I have too much anxiety still. But I knew I had to, I had to get it over with. So two days later, shaking from every cell in my body (the "shakes" as they call them) I took a deep breath, put on some clean sweats and sheepishly sat down in the middle of the sofa, presents surrounding me ready to open. Hours of hard work fretting over whether or not I would like them, worrying if it was the right size or brand, hoping I'll smile when I rip open the carefully decorated boxes. Here I was sitting in the place of honor with absolutely nothing to give back, nothing worthy of these people who do nothing but worry about me, pray for me, give to me all they have. I have nothing to give back. I don't deserve anything and yet here I am opening these gifts from people, people who love me more than anything, still, after all the pain I've caused them, all the sleepless nights, headaches, tears and anger.

Christmas morning, a year later and the Story of Christmas, of Christ's birth has never meant more to me. It's all clear to me the sacrifice, the gift, the giving up of one's best for those who deserve less than nothing; more than it ever has. We can hear the story thousands of times and still never truly understand it. I'm extremely fortunate to have lived it, experienced it first hand, yet so few do.

Quote I Like:

"I beg you.....to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart, and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language.

Don't search for the answers, which could not be given now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now.

Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer........"

-Rainer Maria Rilke

Definition of "Emptiness"

Emptiness as a human condition is described as an elusive and disturbing feeling of numbness, inability to feel anything emotionally, or not having any purpose. It can be better described as a situation where a certain lack or lacks in one's life overtake the emotional and mental focus in an obsessive, sometimes subconscious manner. Feelings of emptiness often accompany chronic discontent, depression, loneliness, or despair. It may seek expression through different types of self-harming behaviors, and in more extreme cases, suicide.

Emptiness often involves alienation, be it temporary or acquired, and sometimes self-hatred. Persons tending to feel emptiness often come from problematic familial backgrounds. If at all there was a family nucleus, their needs were ignored, they were considered second class, they experienced many separations, or there was outright abuse.

Granted, a sense of emptiness is not always associated as such, and may be part of a natural process of grief, as resulting of separation, death of a loved one, or other significant changes to one's life.

Treatment of feelings of emptiness may be similar to treatment of clinical depression. Some people may find psychotherapy beneficial. Self-occupation is important if the afflicted person is to hold off the negative effects, and avoid the natural aggravation of the untreated emotion.

Other solutions possible are:

* Getting a pet - it has been found that often pets are able to ease the sense of emptiness or loneliness.
* Faith, some people may find their faith spiritually fulfilling.
* Volunteering also fills the time and brings social contact.
* Engaging in any social interaction.